To my girls:
I have changed. You have changed me. In this letter I want to thank you for the stretch marks.
Yes, that sounds crazy. I am not actually grateful for stretch marks. I am grateful for the story behind them. In my life there are two versions of me. Pre-baby and post-baby. When I look back at the old me, I smile. I was ambitious, energetic and had the world by the tail. I had dreams. Big dreams. Dreams to be a mom.
But if you were to dig a bit deeper, I was insecure. SO insecure. About everything. The way my hair was, how I looked in an outfit, how I knew everyone saw my flaws and imperfections. It could paralyze me at times. I would change outfits repeatedly and even threaten "not going" to a function based on the way I looked. I was insanely critical. My vision was skewed.
Then, everything began to change. How? One word: pregnancy. You know, the time in your life where your body is literally sacrificed and hijacked by new life. For me, two new lives. At the SAME time. Do you want to know a secret? I never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant. I was so confident. I knew my belly was huge, ehh, enormous and I didn't care. I was proud. I was given the opportunity to grow new life inside of me and I loved my new figure. (I didn't love how I physically felt, but I was proud of how I physically looked).
Then on a warm day in May, I became my favorite role: mom. And now, nearly a year and a half later, I look in the mirror and I see me. The me I was meant to be. Looking past the blue eyes and fair skin I see the real me. And you know what? I really like this version. I see the dark spots on my cheeks from pregnancy, I see the stretch marks of a tummy that was stretched way too far beyond its ability, I see a belly button that will never be the same, I see scars and battle wounds that I painfully collected. And for what? All for you. You want to know the craziest part? I would do all of it over again. And again. For you. Dad has asked me before if I really remember what it was like to be pregnant with you two. My answer? No! That's what I call God's grace to us moms!
It can seem odd that sacrificing my body has improved my self image. But God changed the way I see myself. He gave me the honor of looking at myself through your eyes. No longer do I see all the imperfections (although I'd love to have my old belly button back thank you very much), but I see the strength in what God allowed my body to do. I see the comfort my arms have brought you, I see the joy on your faces when we play the "wheres your belly button game", I see the love in your eyes for me any time of the day- despite how my hair and make up looks. And I know that I am beautiful. I know that God didn't make a mistake when He made me. I know he created me just the way he wanted. How do I know that? Because He created you. And you, my daughters, are so incredibly beautiful.
I pray you will grow up knowing you are beautiful. I pray you will love your differences and be confident in the creation that is you. And someday, I pray that you will have the chance to be called mom and know how much more beautiful that title makes you.
Forever grateful,
Mom
