Psalm 139- through different eyes

Yesterday was an emotionally powerful day. It was "sanctity of life" Sunday. This is one Sunday a year that churches, usually nation-wide,  pause from normal sermon content to focus on the value God places on each and every life.

Our service began with a sweet third grader reading Psalm 139. Hearing a child read scripture is always precious in my opinion. What made this time especially powerful was the fact that she was blind. Completely without sight. She waxed over large words eloquently and was using the tips of her fingers to read. Needless to say, tears streamed down my face the entire time.

It was not simply because she was blind, nor that she could read using her hands better than some that can read using their eyes. It certainly was not the first time I had read, or heard Psalm 139. It was that when I heard her sweet little voice clearly say these following verses, I understood them through different eyes:

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; (emphasis mine)
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you."

You see, as I quietly sat in church with a steady flow of tears down my face, I knew that precious little girl was truly fearfully and wonderfully made. I was convicted of the many times I have worried that my unborn and developing children wont be "perfect" and for the fear I have had of not knowing what to do in light of that reality. I was convicted of times when I wish there was some control I could have over their formation, a way I could make sure it was done "right". 

Yet, what struck me so powerfully was the truth that I have the creator of all good and perfect things kitting my children together. I am not more wonderfully made than a blind third grader. God did not make a mistake in creating either of us, or anyone for that matter. I can be confident that each of my sweet little babes will be fearfully and wonderfully made. And that is a truth I can rest in- we call can rest in. 

So my babies, keep growing- God is personally crafting you into the most beautiful creations. I can promise you that he will do a much better job than I could ever dream of. I love you so very much! Love always, your mom.

Let's try this.. again!

It has been quite a long time, over an entire year in fact, since I have last "blogged". With much consideration, and prompting by a few friends, I have decided to try this.. again!

The last year and a half that I have been absent from the blog-o-sphere was probably one of the toughest times in my life and in our marriage, circumstantially speaking. Before I start with re-living that journey, I will take a moment to proudly and very excitedly announce that Greg and I are expecting TWINS this coming summer!! We are overjoyed about the two growing babes in my womb. Honestly, over joyed probably doesn't quite capture it quite perfectly- but it'll do!

I am currently four months pregnant and again today we had the blessing of seeing our sweet babes on ultrasound. Since I am a mom-to-be of twins we see our OBGYN much more frequently, which I consider to be quite the treat! Yet as I reflect on being pregnant, and the sheer joy that brings, I can not forget our journey to this point.

We, like many couples, had conversations about when to start "trying" for a family. We were excited, nervous, and a little scared! But according to my mom, that was perfectly normal. If any of you knew me when I was a little tyke, with dark brown hair, freckles, and eyes almost too big for my face- then you know my desire to be a mom started then. When I "grew up" I dreamed of being a mom. One hopefully half as good as the mom God gave to me.

What Greg and I could not see coming, and looking back was probably God's grace on us, was that we were entering the darkest time of our marriage to date. It can be summed up in one, awful, and earth shattering word: INFERTILITY. If you have never experienced infertility, I pray that you never will. It truly is lonely, confusing, and heart wrenching to know that you and your spouse are having difficulty with having a family- to whatever degree that may be. 

Our story is long and multi faceted. It is full of tears and cries out to the Lord. I can, and would love to share all the details with anyone who is interested. For a long time, I did not want to write about infertility. I did not want the world to know our "label" or the "problems" we were having. I did not want to complain or cry out to the inner-webs for attention. And, I still do not. Yes, Greg and I struggled with infertility and it is an experience neither of us would have signed up for. But I can say I would not change a thing. God knew our story from the beginning, was ever so faithful, gave me an incredible man to walk through the darkness with, and has decided to give us a double-blessing of babies!

The best part of our story is not simply that I am pregnant, it is God's goodness. It is easy to say He is good now; now that I get butterflies in my tummy late at night as the babies move, now that my stomach is starting to grow, and now that I can finally think of nursery themes without bursting into tears. But, He is not only good now. He always has been and always will be. I thank Him daily for the precious lives he has entrusted to us. And I pray that they will know how loved they are, not only by me (and many others) but ultimately by the Lord. The same Lord that showed us grace and is allowing us to become parents.

I know there may be many questions about our story, or more of the details. I am not hesitant to share with those who are curious but could have written a novel if I put them all here! And if you are experiencing infertility- please, please feel free to contact me. I know how much it hurts and I'd love to be a listening heart.

Love, Amanda (the proud mama-to-be!!)