"Enjoy every moment"

I LOVE being a mom. I really, truly do. My heart beats for my daughters and I would do anything to keep them safe. There are so many aspects about motherhood that I adore. Moments that I melt over their cuteness. But there is one phrase I hear over and over and over: "Enjoy every moment, it goes by so fast". And here is the truth- that is not my favorite sentiment.

About 90% of the time I hear it from moms that are much further ahead in the mommy-journey than I. Even more commonly it is nostalgically said from moms who are facing a high school graduation, marriage or those who have had the privilege to become grandmothers. 

In reality? I do not enjoy every moment about being a mom. Two newborns crying at 2 am, endless dirty diapers, and (most recently) two tantrum toddlers is not ideal. It is hard! I found myself over the last almost year and a half growing increasingly annoyed with this phrase. Until my girls' first birthday arrived. Even though I had been planning their party since before they were born (I have type-A, over planning issues) it still caught me off guard. I was going through photos of their first year and I was overwhelmed with emotion. Where did my newborns go and how did it go so quickly?! I had the deepest longing for them to be teeny-tiny all over again.

So that is when I realized the phrase "enjoy every moment, it goes by so fast" really means "I can't believe my babies are all grown up. I remember the late night snuggles, the cooing, the endless list of firsts, the joyous sound of baby laughter, and the smell of a freshly bathed babe. What I would give to spend one day back with them being little again. Where did the time go?" 

There are certainly moments where I want time to stand still, to stop in its tracks. I'm not ready to send my twins off to school, to hear about boyfriends, or even drive away from the college drop off. And yet, I know it will be here someday. And when that day arrives I know I will look back with  nostalgia on their little days. The days where it seemed like the hours would never pass until daddy came home. The days where my lap was never big enough. And I am sure I will wish I had a few more moments with my blue eyed, too cute for words, joy-filled toddlers.

For now I will slow down and try to enjoy most moments.  

Insta-perfect

Today I had the joy of visiting with a dear friend of mine and her one year old daughter. We have known each other since early pregnancy and our daughters were born just three weeks apart. The girls had a great time playing and we enjoyed some always-needed mommy time. It was good for my soul!

Before she left we decided to seize a rare moment of post-nap sleepy toddlers who were fixated on the movie Frozen. So, we pulled out our phones and snapped a few photos. We were confident we got a few good ones (how could we not with such cute subjects?!).

After all our goodbyes and with my twins in bed I turned to Instagram to unwind. I decided I wanted to post a picture of all three girls and was already thinking of something cute to write for my "photo description". As I flipped through the photos though I had a moment of disappointment. In every single picture my girls were either drinking their post-nap bottle or sucking on their post-nap pacifier! I debated on which one would be better to post. The inner dialogue went something like this:

"Seriously? Every photo? Well, there was the one photo where I took the bottles away and before they popped their pacifiers in. Oh no, Harper is screaming her head off in that one. That won't do. Well, I could use the bottle one and think of something witty to say about a snack date with friends... or that it isn't fun to drink alone. No, I don't want people to know that my girls still drink out of a bottle. Ok, I'll do the pacifier one. Wait, no. I am a dental hygienist! And the last few photos I have posted the girls have had a pacifier in. People will think I let my girls have pacifiers all the time.. That won't do either!"

After all that, you know what I decided to do? Not post a photo. Not a single one! I closed the app and moved on. Then conviction hit, and it hit hard. In reality I value authenticity, being genuine with others, and open. Becoming a mom has changed how I view other moms, I am so much more understanding of "doing what works in the moment". I try desperately to be fully accepting of my friends and how they may parent differently. Hopefully if you are a friend of mine you experience this. I try not to paint a picture that life is all roses and raising twins is a cake walk, because it is not. I open up to others and do my best to share my true feelings. And in turn, I appreciate it when others feel safe enough to be real with me.

So then, why wouldn't I post a picture of three sweet girls?  Three precious babies that have been prayed for since before they were embryos. Three life-long friends in the making snuggling up on a couch. Because I was embarrassed, worried about what others would think. Afraid I would be judged. So I chose to be un-authentic and to portray my life as "insta-perfect."

Here it is. The real truth: Yes, my kids drink out of a bottle. Yes, they have pacifiers. And yes, my kids watch Frozen. And you know what? It is okay.  It is okay because I am doing my best at raising two sixteen month old girls, and with God's help I am doing a good job. It is okay because there are two of them and only one of me. And it is okay because those same two pacifier and bottle loving little girls are fiercely loved, cherished and valued. So, I will go post that picture. Right now!

Thankful for my stretch marks

To my girls:

I have changed. You have changed me. In this letter I want to thank you for the stretch marks.

Yes, that sounds crazy. I am not actually grateful for stretch marks. I am grateful for the story behind them. In my life there are two versions of me. Pre-baby and post-baby. When I look back at the old me, I smile. I was ambitious, energetic and had the world by the tail. I had dreams. Big dreams. Dreams to be a mom.

But if you were to dig a bit deeper, I was insecure. SO insecure. About everything. The way my hair was, how I looked in an outfit, how I knew everyone saw my flaws and imperfections. It could paralyze me at times. I would change outfits repeatedly and even threaten "not going" to a function based on the way I looked. I was insanely critical. My vision was skewed.

Then, everything began to change. How? One word: pregnancy. You know, the time in your life where your body is literally sacrificed and hijacked by new life. For me, two new lives. At the SAME time. Do you want to know a secret? I never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant. I was so confident. I knew my belly was huge, ehh, enormous and I didn't care. I was proud. I was given the opportunity to grow new life inside of me and I loved my new figure. (I didn't love how I physically felt, but I was proud of how I physically looked).

Then on a warm day in May, I became my favorite role: mom. And now, nearly a year and a half later, I look in the mirror and I see me. The me I was meant to be. Looking past the blue eyes and fair skin I see the real me. And you know what? I really like this version. I see the dark spots on my cheeks from pregnancy, I see the stretch marks of a tummy that was stretched way too far beyond its ability, I see a belly button that will never be the same, I see scars and battle wounds that I painfully collected. And for what? All for you. You want to know the craziest part? I would do all of it over again. And again. For you. Dad has asked me before if I really remember what it was like to be pregnant with you two. My answer? No! That's what I call God's grace to us moms!

It can seem odd that sacrificing my body has improved my self image. But God changed the way I see myself. He gave me the honor of looking at myself through your eyes. No longer do I see all the imperfections (although I'd love to have my old belly button back thank you very much), but I see the strength in what God allowed my body to do. I see the comfort my arms have brought you, I see the joy on your faces when we play the "wheres your belly button game", I see the love in your eyes for me any time of the day- despite how my hair and make up looks. And I know that I am beautiful. I know that God didn't make a mistake when He made me. I know he created me just the way he wanted. How do I know that? Because He created you. And you, my daughters, are so incredibly beautiful.

I pray you will grow up knowing you are beautiful. I pray you will love your differences and be confident in the creation that is you. And someday, I pray that you will have the chance to be called mom and know how much more beautiful that title makes you.

Forever grateful,

Mom